I keep going back to all of those wise words. Those people who seem to know about it. It's all very supernatural. Natural is key too. I've been dreaming a lot about the mountains. I feel weird thinking about mountains here. Almost like it's a sin. I feel different, but I also think that's natural - and wise. We are all different and shame on anyone trying to simplify themselves. We are all complex and deep, as well as one dimensional and shallow at times. We are dirty liars, whether it only involves ourselves or everyone who means anything at all to us. I never know where I'm going with my thoughts, or rather, where I'm going in general.
That's sort of the beauty of it though. If I always knew where I was headed, I would never be surprised. I'd have never fallen in love, I'd have never found even fractions of myself. The other day I saw the moon, and it hung above me like a lake. I felt like I hadn't seen it in years. In that moment, I was surprised. I started thinking about mountains again. I hope I get to them one day. I hope I remember to take my time though.
The journey is a long one. I'm finding my T-shirt and jeans theory is changing with the seasons - not just because it's getting colder, but because my needs are changing. What it takes to be comfortable is ever changing, as well as never enough. All I know is that my spirit is still a child and wants to explore every part of this world with a gaping wonder and widespread arms that get tangled from time to time. I want to roll around and laugh, and continue learning my words and shapes. I will be grown up when I'm done here.
And with that I will leave you with the words of C.P. Cavafy. "Keep Ithaka always in your mind. Arriving there is what you are destined for. But do not hurry the journey at all. Better if it lasts for years, so you are old by the time you reach the island..."
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Time Capsule
I have woken up to find myself in a time capsule,
And my world is fueled by a loss where you once were.
My fingers tense, and my grief swollen;
I struggle to find my way.
I sit while I fly, and I wheel while I stroll,
And the calm of this moment conjures the emotion.
My memories fade, and the sensations follow;
You slip into the abyss.
Our moons and our skies remain the same,
But I've lost my mind and you're nowhere to be found.
And my world is fueled by a loss where you once were.
My fingers tense, and my grief swollen;
I struggle to find my way.
I sit while I fly, and I wheel while I stroll,
And the calm of this moment conjures the emotion.
My memories fade, and the sensations follow;
You slip into the abyss.
Our moons and our skies remain the same,
But I've lost my mind and you're nowhere to be found.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Following Yonder Sky
I walked out into that open field tonight. It was kind of like a forced transfer of energy. I had been meaning to do this for weeks, but it wasn't until now that I could truly wrap my mind around it. I always talk about needing that air, and that space, but yet it wasn't until now. I walked right out there. It's always bigger than I imagine in some ways. I kept trying to find the ultimate middle, so I could feel as small as possible in that air and space. I was trying to find the middle, but I was also trying to avoid the grass piles that the lawn mower made along its route. Although I don't know why it mattered. This transfer of energy wasn't about being clean. Finally, I found that spot that made sense. A no-pile area in a very middle place.
I popped a squat, then sprawled out my legs and lowered my back into that fresh cut grass. I looked up into the sky. The first thing I noticed was my phone encompassed in a tight clutch within my hands. I hated this. I quickly put it away to feel the most natural without completely disrobing. I looked up into the dark, night sky and noticed the moon almost first. It had that glow around it that you sometimes neglect to acknowledge. It was almost full. I remembered that two nights ago was the full moon. Time just keeps shaving it away, then building it back up again.
You would think that you'd feel small in a moment like this, but that wasn't the case. I felt rather large. Perhaps it was the position of my body and current scope. I don't know. I felt large. Then I looked around to either sides of the sky, peering out through my glasses. I still felt big. Hm. I started thinking about how the world is round. It's so loopy to think about. We live in a ball. I started to see the sky this way, and then the fact that the moon sees us like how we see the moon. Loopy. I spent a lot of time on the ground thinking about how strange it all is, and the fact that it took me this long to acknowledge this field. Before I know it, it won't be within my reach.
I got up from the grass, and felt a bit of moisture on my back from where I was lying. I lifted myself up, and began to walk toward the yard. The non-field part of the grass. Before I reached it, I stopped myself. I looked back and thought: What? I'm done basking? This was strange to me. Who did I think I was? I hardly even acknowledged the stars. So, I looked at those stars some more. I've seen more before. The moon was bright. Maybe it just wasn't a star night. I walked out of the field, but still sort of hated myself for it.
I walked through the yard, and decided to take a picture of that moon. I tried to get away from that phone, but it didn't seem to last. The moon looked so different in the picture. Hardly beautiful. Just a little light dot. This reminded me again that my phone should not have come along on this ride with me. I walked to the other side of my house, and I began to hear the bugs. All sorts of varieties of sounds. I imagined they were all different breeds of crickets. It had to be more though. I looked up at the sky once more, and it seemed totally different from when I was lying in that field.
I no longer felt rather large. I felt rather small. And I rather liked it. To move no more than a hundred yards, and interpret a totally different sky; I knew I had to be next to nothing in comparison to all of that round, moonlit sky. Finally. The transfer of energy I was looking for. I walked inside feeling a little more peaceful, but that shift to the indoors left me again sort of hating myself for it.
I popped a squat, then sprawled out my legs and lowered my back into that fresh cut grass. I looked up into the sky. The first thing I noticed was my phone encompassed in a tight clutch within my hands. I hated this. I quickly put it away to feel the most natural without completely disrobing. I looked up into the dark, night sky and noticed the moon almost first. It had that glow around it that you sometimes neglect to acknowledge. It was almost full. I remembered that two nights ago was the full moon. Time just keeps shaving it away, then building it back up again.
You would think that you'd feel small in a moment like this, but that wasn't the case. I felt rather large. Perhaps it was the position of my body and current scope. I don't know. I felt large. Then I looked around to either sides of the sky, peering out through my glasses. I still felt big. Hm. I started thinking about how the world is round. It's so loopy to think about. We live in a ball. I started to see the sky this way, and then the fact that the moon sees us like how we see the moon. Loopy. I spent a lot of time on the ground thinking about how strange it all is, and the fact that it took me this long to acknowledge this field. Before I know it, it won't be within my reach.
I got up from the grass, and felt a bit of moisture on my back from where I was lying. I lifted myself up, and began to walk toward the yard. The non-field part of the grass. Before I reached it, I stopped myself. I looked back and thought: What? I'm done basking? This was strange to me. Who did I think I was? I hardly even acknowledged the stars. So, I looked at those stars some more. I've seen more before. The moon was bright. Maybe it just wasn't a star night. I walked out of the field, but still sort of hated myself for it.
I walked through the yard, and decided to take a picture of that moon. I tried to get away from that phone, but it didn't seem to last. The moon looked so different in the picture. Hardly beautiful. Just a little light dot. This reminded me again that my phone should not have come along on this ride with me. I walked to the other side of my house, and I began to hear the bugs. All sorts of varieties of sounds. I imagined they were all different breeds of crickets. It had to be more though. I looked up at the sky once more, and it seemed totally different from when I was lying in that field.
I no longer felt rather large. I felt rather small. And I rather liked it. To move no more than a hundred yards, and interpret a totally different sky; I knew I had to be next to nothing in comparison to all of that round, moonlit sky. Finally. The transfer of energy I was looking for. I walked inside feeling a little more peaceful, but that shift to the indoors left me again sort of hating myself for it.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Flying by the...what of my pants?
A wise woman recently said to me, "Whatever it is, you need some sort of structure - spiritually." I was confused at first because I live a structured lifestyle trapped inside the body of bird. Structure. I completely surpassed the spiritual aspect. She saw something in me that only some people can pick up on, and with that came a connection that proves the world is on my side.
I struggle so much with living in the moment and being as adventurous as possible, but sometimes I can lose who I am in all of those attempts at something greater. I ultimately want a life where I can do whatever I want - all the way from hiking across mountains to learning a new skill, whether it's useful or not. I love when every day is a new journey with new people or just seeing people in new ways and lights. Here is where structure comes in.
The wise woman saw that I was somewhat off balance even before I noticed. I think at least part of the structure she's talking about can be found in doing just this - writing and keeping myself honest in a world that I can always come back to and spill out my thoughts in logical manner. This logic is what a Sagittarius, like me, needs to thrive. I need the structure and logic so I don't get lost in my spontaneity, which can take me to brand new places, people, and mindsets.
I'm ready for my next walk out into the world, but while I'm out there I will take a few new energies that will keep me guided safely down a path that's just as exciting as the last. Here I come.
I struggle so much with living in the moment and being as adventurous as possible, but sometimes I can lose who I am in all of those attempts at something greater. I ultimately want a life where I can do whatever I want - all the way from hiking across mountains to learning a new skill, whether it's useful or not. I love when every day is a new journey with new people or just seeing people in new ways and lights. Here is where structure comes in.
The wise woman saw that I was somewhat off balance even before I noticed. I think at least part of the structure she's talking about can be found in doing just this - writing and keeping myself honest in a world that I can always come back to and spill out my thoughts in logical manner. This logic is what a Sagittarius, like me, needs to thrive. I need the structure and logic so I don't get lost in my spontaneity, which can take me to brand new places, people, and mindsets.
I'm ready for my next walk out into the world, but while I'm out there I will take a few new energies that will keep me guided safely down a path that's just as exciting as the last. Here I come.
Friday, March 4, 2011
A Wash
I walked inside with a wet washed coat and pants.
As I stepped under the streetlight, we so many times passed,
the rain swept up my feelings with a gentle hand.
The memory of us flickered and danced,
while the drops on my glasses and brow blotted out the light.
I've been looking for you in this light.
Slightly worn, yet completely satisfactory;
the beautiful mess of the whole thing.
I don't know how many lines it takes to make a story,
but the rain pounding on the screen outside my room
seems to complete it without a scrape.
I walked outside with you tonight,
and I came back wet washed and clean.
You will forever dance in the light of my mind.
As I stepped under the streetlight, we so many times passed,
the rain swept up my feelings with a gentle hand.
The memory of us flickered and danced,
while the drops on my glasses and brow blotted out the light.
I've been looking for you in this light.
Slightly worn, yet completely satisfactory;
the beautiful mess of the whole thing.
I don't know how many lines it takes to make a story,
but the rain pounding on the screen outside my room
seems to complete it without a scrape.
I walked outside with you tonight,
and I came back wet washed and clean.
You will forever dance in the light of my mind.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'm Just A Small Bucket of Water
Dear World,
"Don't under estimate yourself and don't over estimate yourself." That is a lesson that I have come to learn. I feel like I'm in limbo. Some sort of in between land where I don't know what I can and cannot handle. Whenever I'm here, I find it hard to do normal people things. These are things like, going to the bank, studying, doing homework, etc. Instead, I find myself acting like a Stepford wife robot (the 70's version) and doing the same things over and over. It's like I have a glitch. I just bounce from one social network to the other, aimlessly.
Sincerely,
Animorphing Robot
Dear Animorphing Robot,
That is SO good that you realize these things. It's almost like all of the answers are right in front of you. Here's my advice: Listen to me when you see me sending messages via everything. What you do with these very obvious and clear messages is up to you, but I suggest you respond accordingly. I will always be here to help.
Sincerely,
World
Well, this all just makes sense. It takes time and all of that, but in the end, it will all end up as it should be. I have so many amazing things, and I should really go to sleep tonight counting my blessings. I'm remembering what it feels like to be limitless, that's when I can change my small neck of the woods. That's when I can fly.
"Don't under estimate yourself and don't over estimate yourself." That is a lesson that I have come to learn. I feel like I'm in limbo. Some sort of in between land where I don't know what I can and cannot handle. Whenever I'm here, I find it hard to do normal people things. These are things like, going to the bank, studying, doing homework, etc. Instead, I find myself acting like a Stepford wife robot (the 70's version) and doing the same things over and over. It's like I have a glitch. I just bounce from one social network to the other, aimlessly.
Sincerely,
Animorphing Robot
Dear Animorphing Robot,
That is SO good that you realize these things. It's almost like all of the answers are right in front of you. Here's my advice: Listen to me when you see me sending messages via everything. What you do with these very obvious and clear messages is up to you, but I suggest you respond accordingly. I will always be here to help.
Sincerely,
World
Well, this all just makes sense. It takes time and all of that, but in the end, it will all end up as it should be. I have so many amazing things, and I should really go to sleep tonight counting my blessings. I'm remembering what it feels like to be limitless, that's when I can change my small neck of the woods. That's when I can fly.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Birds
Life is so unexpected. It is all just absolutely crazy. Think about the word, "plan". What does this mean to you? Does it mean that you should plan for the future? I think planning is one of the strangest things ever. First of all, it doesn't work half of the time, and second of all, who really has the power to plan and actually follow through? I've come to believe that the answer is nobody can do this. You can do your best to make things happen, but the path that we are all on with either align somewhat, or completely diverge. None of this life path stuff is really up to me. The thought of being a blank canvas for the world's plans is what makes sense the most. My "plan" is not something I can fully control, but how life comes at me is another story.
Who are you? That is the better question. What makes you special? How can you do your best to help others? It is much easier to be mean than nice. So, that is the thing holding everyone back from being able to fly. I have a lot of negativity in me, I've found, but my positivity is what I'm choosing to let shine... and in that, I've found the most beautiful things. Simply smiling at everyone I see throughout my day (friends, acquaintances, strangers) is a small way I can spread joy.
I've also realized that being the real me is already making an impact in the small part of the world where I reside. Realizing that I've been given so many answers in my life transcends to others, and the beauty and life in those other souls feeds me in the best way possible. I always knew I could fly, but now it's not as selfishly. Other people give me the strength to do these things, and I am so lucky for that. I've attained so much real life free-ness, and I know it's not an accident. I can't take advantage of it. I have to run with it and thank absolutely EVERYONE for it. It's so easy to become bitter about the little shifts off track in life, but rather than being angry, I've figure out that that's the beauty that is life. No one is out to get you. No one hates you. The world is a gorgeous place if you take the time to look.
Who are you? That is the better question. What makes you special? How can you do your best to help others? It is much easier to be mean than nice. So, that is the thing holding everyone back from being able to fly. I have a lot of negativity in me, I've found, but my positivity is what I'm choosing to let shine... and in that, I've found the most beautiful things. Simply smiling at everyone I see throughout my day (friends, acquaintances, strangers) is a small way I can spread joy.
I've also realized that being the real me is already making an impact in the small part of the world where I reside. Realizing that I've been given so many answers in my life transcends to others, and the beauty and life in those other souls feeds me in the best way possible. I always knew I could fly, but now it's not as selfishly. Other people give me the strength to do these things, and I am so lucky for that. I've attained so much real life free-ness, and I know it's not an accident. I can't take advantage of it. I have to run with it and thank absolutely EVERYONE for it. It's so easy to become bitter about the little shifts off track in life, but rather than being angry, I've figure out that that's the beauty that is life. No one is out to get you. No one hates you. The world is a gorgeous place if you take the time to look.
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